By Phoenix of Elder Mountain – I read an article on the twelve facts we all do when we have had pain in relationship and that pain lingers. It was so shallow and short, that I though I would go deeper and also add some other healer’s advice. When we have experienced pain, we can heal it, or we can keep climbing that mountain to nowhere emotionally. We all just keep climbing that mountain because we can truly endure a lot of pain.
When we reach the top of the mountain in our late thirties, its one of our greatest challenges to begin real healing work, real spiritual practices applied to our emotional life. I have see people put off healing well into their 50s and 60s when the gates of healing karma begin to close. Even though we can work on painful issues anytime we want to start, the older we are, the more piles and piles of unresolved issues flow upwards.
All four seasons are a good time to heal within relationship issues, but Winter Solstice and the three moons of Winter are the best time to practice letting go. Heartbreak changes us and affects us and we start doing the things unknowingly. But the reason behind the changes are the pain that life has put us throughs and issues from our childhood.
1. Doubt (constantly but does not hear the self)
Youth has no fear but are not confident in adult situations. Midlife gains confidence but suffers from fear because of past hurtful experiences and Elders have to resolve all of it before they move on. No matter what age we are, we all have work to do. Victim consciousness verses Personal Empowerment are the areas where doubt enters our relationship abilities. Many may step into relationships too fast, and never really think about the possibility of what challenges and choices we are going to have to make. Those of us who are intuitive don’t want to enter relationships because we know that we will get hurt and struggle more than if we did not.
When things arise in a new relationship, they must be addressed right away and that is the medicine for both. We learn about our self and our values as we grow from youth under thirty, into adult up to sixty and then elder over sixty. Every step of the way, we must change and grow. And this my friend, is our worst fear of all our fears and problems.
Doubt is very difficult for some people and they may feel lost and alone when trying to figure out why a new partner would lie or say things that were disrespectful, or why we fear commitment. We all want love to work out or we assume love works out eventually, and when it doesn’t we lack the practices, skills and tools and because of this, we find our self loosing personal power.
Disengaging without guilt, addiction or co-dependency (breaking up with another person) is a difficult issue for many of us whether we are married or not. Only about fifty percent of marriages work out world wide in every culture, but those brave enough to face the truth and shame of leaving a karmic marriage learn so much more about who they are. Those who have good marriages… well, that is not their life issue, they have other issues.
Experience helps us to navigate any relationship, or a broken heart allows one to be more cautious, but if we are young and new to relationship and partnership, seeking the advice of an older friend, aunt, sister or your mother if your brave enough, or even a therapist or healer can greatly help. The moment you start to have self doubt about any relationship, be they partnerships, lover, marriage or work, then there is work to do.
Doubt sets in from pain and struggles deeper and deeper, the more bad experiences we have, the worse it seems. Some also have low self esteem right from the beginning of their birth, but whichever you are, there is always help. If we don’t address our issues, we become a beacon of energy for the shadow and shadow people to prey upon our relationship.
Therapist Petrea Hansen-Adamidis says:
1. Ground yourself. If you find yourself being pulled into negative thoughts stemming from past experiences or comments from others, staying present is key to being able to focus on the positive. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting outside in nature. For others, meditating may help. I love walking meditations out in nature where I notice the details of my surroundings without judgment.
2. Balance the negative. If you find that voices of the critical gremlins (both inner and outer) are way too loud, drown them out (or at least balance them) with your own chants of self-praise. This can be hard when you’re in a real funk and find it difficult to access encouraging words for your self. To counter these voices you may find it helpful to write down 5 to 10 positive things about yourself in a handy mini notepad. Whenever the gremlins strike with their undermining comments of “You’re not good enough,” whip out your book and read out loud words of praise for your self.
3. Take a break. If you are feeling overwhelmed by what you perceive as not going so well, take some time away from that project and focus on something totally different. Sometimes shifting our focus away from what we are stuck on helps us take a new perspective when we come back to it. Doodle, scribble, paint with your hands. Put on your favorite music and move around.
4. Nurture yourself. It’s easy to get lost in a sea of self-doubt when we forget to take care of our own needs. Make sure you have enough play time (away from work to balance the work and play). Be sure to stay hydrated with plenty of water throughout the day, get enough sleep, and eat healthily. Keep a gratitude art journal where you pick a picture out of a magazine or from online and choose one to three things a day that you are thankful for.
5. Connect with others. While it is important to strengthen your self-love muscles, it is just as important to get the support you need from others. Whether this is from friends, family, or a professional therapist or coach, getting reassurance or help from others can make a big difference. Sometimes just the reassurance that you are not the only one who gets stuck or has moments of self-doubt can help you shift a “why me” attitude. What helps you overcome doubt in your abilities?
2. Self Loathing & Negative Self Talk
Being negative is delivered to us a few ways… Sometimes from our earliest beginnings we have really crappy experiences if not abuse in our family. This sets the tone for future love relationships, work relationships and even mishaps from strangers. Even those who have good early family relationships may have struggles in their own adult relations and partnerships. Negativity comes from pain and feeling sorry for the self, rather than taking actions to heal what ails us by getting support from therapists, or holistic healers.
On the other side, a relationship may start out good in our 20s, but by our 30s (our adult no youth stages), karma interrupts our life and opens up. A partner may seem perfect, but might have some trouble, not average trouble but big trouble that emerges and we start to complain about all of it and do nothing to change it. For some this may last ten or twenty years until life intervenes.
We can pull ourselves out of negativity which is the most important, by committing to working at being positive AND addressing the negative relationship at the same time. A lot of self help ideology just focuses on being positive as if that would save a bad marriage or business partnership… it doesn’t. We have to practice formally being positive like excersize, or therapy or yoga and meditation or any practice that flexes and puts us into action, not solely words or “think positive” that was so popular in the 2000s and 2010s. It takes more today, it takes actions, circles of support and healing.
Jancee Dunn says to heal negative speak:
1. Put Negative Stuff In A Box – When we’re beating ourselves up, a tiny blunder is inflated into an epic typhoon of failure. So the next time a negative thought intrudes, take a few deep breaths and then “quickly narrow it down and put your problems into the smallest box possible,” Chansky says. “If you think you screwed up in a meeting, instead of saying, ‘I’m an idiot; I ruined my career,’ say, ‘Man, I used a poor choice of words.’ Visualizing that box can really help.” Seeing a tiny box in your mind shows the actual size of the problem and helps you feel more confident that you can take it on.
2. Try The Power Of Possible Thinking – “We feel a lot of pressure to turn it all around and make it positive,” Chansky says. “But research has found that when you’re down and out and force yourself to say positive things to yourself, you end up feeling worse.” That’s because our internal lie detector goes off.
She suggests a technique called possible thinking, which involves reaching for neutral thoughts about the situation and naming the facts. “I’m a fat cow” becomes “I’d like to lose 10 pounds. I know how to do it.” The facts give you a lot more choices and directions you can go in.
3. Ask Yourself If You’re Really So Guilty – Let’s say in a meeting you blurt out that your Spanx are too tight. You think, I’ve just made the biggest fool of myself. Challenge your version of the story: Did everyone really recoil in horror, or were most of them actually tapping on their BlackBerrys under the table? “Make the choice to be kind to yourself by questioning your initial thoughts, which is key to slowing down that voice,” says Amy Johnson. The more follow-ups you ask yourself, the more you dilute the shameful moment.
4. Put A Better Spin On Things – Simple semantic tweaks can actually change your outlook, Chansky says. Instead of telling yourself, “I’m so disorganized, I’ll never get anything done,” train yourself to say, “I’m having a thought that I’m not going to get it done.” It may sound silly, but this little change of wording gives you distance and reminds you that your low self-esteem moment is just that: a moment. “I always tell people that saying, ‘Boy, did I feel stupid,’ rather than ‘I am so stupid’ may seem like a nuance, but there’s a significant difference,” Young adds, because the former describes how you feel, not who you are.
5. Ask: What Would ____________ Say? A quick way to puncture nasty self-talk is to think of someone you trust and imagine what she would say to you. “Which is probably, ‘Oh please, was it really that bad?’” notes Chansky. “Did you really ruin your career in the meeting?” Another rule: If you wouldn’t say it to your friend, don’t say it to yourself. You would never — at least, we hope you would never — call your friend a “total slob” for dribbling tomato sauce on her blouse.
6. Give Your Inner Critic and Shadow A Name – Preferably a silly one! It’s hard to take that inner voice seriously when you call it The Nag. (“Here comes The Nag again.”) Brené Brown, PhD, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and author of The Gifts Of Imperfection, calls hers The Gremlin. Chansky prefers The Perfectionist. “Naming it something goofy adds a bit of levity, “ she says, “which helps break through the emotional hold that anxiety has on you. Over time, this short circuits the whole anxious cycle.”
7. Give Your Rants A Name, Too – Johnson likes to call these inner harangues stories. “I love calling some tirade the ‘my friends are better than me’ story, or the ‘I don’t get enough done’ story,” she says. “Instead of feeling like it’s some kind of valid feedback, this highlights how consistent the stories are. We have pretty much the same thoughts today that we had yesterday, which should clue us in to the fact that they’re habits, not necessarily truths.”
8. Pick Up The Phone – Shame only works if we keep it secret, Brown says. “So if I get in the car after a party and thought I said something stupid, I pick up the phone and say, ‘OK, I’m in a total shame downward spiral — here’s what happened.’” She laughs. “At that moment, you’ve basically cut shame off at the knees. So find the courage to do the counter-intuitive thing and tell someone what happened — invariably those conversations end with laughter.”
9. Embrace Imperfections – It’s enormously freeing (not to mention a huge stress reducer) to stop holding yourself to insanely high standards. “Perfectionism is so destructive,” Brown says. “I’ve interviewed CEOs and award-winning athletes, and not once in twelve years did I ever hear someone say, ‘I achieved everything I have because I am a perfectionist.’ Never!” What she hears instead? They credit their success to a willingness to mess up and move on.
Relax your standards just a little. If you give yourself the same empathy you’d show a friend, it will be so much easier to take on The Nag, and win.
3. We Accept our Negative Behaviors
We accept our negative behaviors because we focus on everyone else but ourselves. All the heartbreaks and ignorant behavior by others upon us, can leave us emotionally unstable, or eventually lead to a loss of self esteem. These two can develop into depression and without help we can suffer decades. Even within depression and sadness that is karmic based (we have to endure the ten or twenty years), we still have choices to manage it.
Acceptance that we are sick is a first step to change, and that one takes years. Sometimes we do not know when our issue has evolved into a more severe one, unless we have an honest friend or family member who can endure our wrath of denial or our natural unconsciousness.
Those who are hurt physically learn with help and healing to manage their pain without medication, well the same can be done for the emotional body through several different types of energy work, massage therapy with a seasoned healer (not a mall type of massage place).
4. Love (and all the wrong messages)
Romance is good and when its healthy its really good, it can lift us out of a crisis, it can show us we are connected. But sometimes its short lived and we keep seeking something of an earlier stage of life that cannot be fulfilled when we are older. Our lives get more complicated in our late thirties and forties, sometimes people want and seek that early twenties or college romance which becomes more idealistic than creative and filled with expectations. We always get hurt when we have too much expectation for another to fulfill our emotional responsibilities.
Romance when we suffer from bad relationships, can be overrated creating over stimulation of something that has deeper imbalances within our psyche. Such as jealousy, places where we are the victim, or too much faith without healthy boundaries in love relationships. The romantic comedy is just that, it combines romance with disaster and we can laugh at it on screen but when it happens to us, its a mini or large crisis in real life.
Accepting that romance is not full on life, and are the special moments in our life that are further and fewer, is a good place to start. This helps us begin to balance our relationship or marriage of the other important aspects like respect, values and time and attention to work out our problems with open communication and therapy if there are deeper issues surfacing.
5. Trust & Boundaries
Trust is a huge issue in relationship and there is a saying in which I agree with: “We all get hurt, and we all hurt others” within love, even if its not shared or communicated in your circles. Secrets can make a person feel important or the opposite, imprisoned. It only takes a few experiences to shut down our trust and sometimes we do not open that back up. Trust and forgiveness go hand in hand, so try not to deny whichever half you cannot fulfill.
Trust when it comes down to the root, is a “boundary and healthy boundary” issue. Trust can be guided by intuition but many people do not take intuition classes to learn how to sharpen their skills. Trust can be born out of being betrayed once or twice and the third time would kill us. These are all boundary issues.
When we start to practice trusting our self in many ways, expectation and then disappointment can begin to be healed. Every relationship that we have is difficult and for some they are unbearable. We learn to trust ourselves, when we are finished with being abused and not a day before. We can never know anyone deeply, thats impossible because we are too deep as human beings.
But we can spend a decade or two getting to know ourselves and finding out where our trigger points are and begin to heal them. This allows trust back into our life but when we go through life training, once we learn that innocence is for children and not adults, then we can begin to accept taking care of our heart and soul.
- Realize that in romantic relationships,
trust should be earned, not given freely.
- Be honest in your communication, people
hate the truth and honesty, but its you who
must honor your own life.
- Own what it is you fear.
- Be clear on the source of the
problem and focus on healing
- Consider self-sabotage as a
source issue that can be healed,
not as a problem.
6. Crush Obsessiveness or Puppy Love
Having a crush on others is apart of that wildwoman or wildman adventure! It makes us feel young, and sometimes too young for our age. Crushes are for the youthful heart but when we do not act upon them, and let our feelings be known, they get stuck in our head and our mind become obsessive with no where to go for release. This is what causes a form of mental/emotional disorders that are based in unrequited love for a host of reasons.
Sometimes we are too shy, sometimes we do not trust ourselves and fear rejection so badly we do not initiation our crush into the open and keep it our secret. Sometimes we have been hurt and its easier to keep distance and walk in the fear of intimacy because of our past pain. There are a host of issues we carry and its so difficult for us to see our behavior as real and damaging to us, that we keep doing it as if it were a youthful game of love.
When we begin to address what we want in a relationship, crushes can turn from fantasy into reality. But this takes some personal growth and practice with speaking our feelings, and not taking things so personal. Allowing the other person to control our reality about love when we start to date a new person, is a fairy tale in the making. Its the knight in shining armor tale or the princess bride or supermodel fantasy. Either way, its not real, and its not manifested into something that can grow into a healthy relationship. Crush that.
7. Unrequited Love
Unrequited love is a one sided love, an intense emotion that is reciprocated. While it may seem romantic to love someone with all your heart and soul, even when they don’t return your feelings, the reality is unrequited love hurts. This is a complicated one and its a more severe aspect of the Crush. We start by practicing less crushes and more actual dating or working through the first couple of difficulties as they arrive in our relationship and choose to let go.
Control is a big factor in unrequited love and when we combine it with fascination, obsessions and crushes, its a potent poison. We are very complicated souls, this is true, and none of us get out of this relationship growth alive, we have to have some pain and some resolve. So we start by asking out those we have crushes on and facing that fear, otherwise we develop a whole reality that is an illusion because the other person is not involved at all.
1. Consider whether you’re getting a thrill from unrequited love – If you seem to find yourself frequently in the position of un-reciprocated love, it may be worth you taking a step back from the situation and seeing if this perhaps is a decision you are consciously making. Of course, we all get a certain thrill from wanting what we can’t have, but if this is becoming a reoccurring situation you need to start confronting it head on. Diane Barth references psychologist Philip Shaver in her article, who maintains ‘falling in love with someone who will reject you can be a repeated pattern for some people’. He suggests that individuals should question whether they have ever fallen in love with someone who has rejected them before. If this sounds familiar, do address why you keep choosing these kinds of unavailable people and try to get to the root of the problem.
2. Developing a thicker skin, not taking thins personally – Of course it’s much easier said than done, but it is important that you try not to take this form of rejection personally. People cannot consciously decide who they fall for so just like you can’t help being in love with them, they can’t help not being in love with you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough or unlovable but rather at this time it’s not meant to be. It may actually have nothing to do with you at all but rather be to do with where they are in life – they could already be in love with someone else or simply not want a relationship. And while you may have a lot of resentment towards the person who has rejected you, don’t blame them. They too will feel guilt in this situation and equally cannot help how they feel. Accept it as one of those unfortunate situations in life that’s no one’s fault and begin to move forward.
3. Less self torture – When love goes unrequited it may feel devastating but you can’t torture yourself. Acceptance will help you through the healing process. According to Susan J Elliott on Psychology Today, once you have realized your love is not reciprocated, ‘It’s time to let it go completely and do something new. It’s time to think about it differently. It’s time to renew, reverse and reject the rejecter’. It can be very difficult to feel so powerless in a situation but ultimately that is the case; you are powerless to change their feelings but you are not powerless to change how you deal with it. Reverse your disappointment and anguish; don’t torture or question your worth and you’ll start moving forward.
4. Distance yourself – In light of ‘rejecting the rejecter,’ it is important that you distance yourself from them. Any form of contact, however small, will only make life more difficult for you. You will inevitably start reading into every small interaction and you need to evade this by avoiding them. Perhaps at some point you can have a friendship with them but at this point it is not possible. Be tough on yourself. Keep yourself busy; throw yourself into work, catch up with your old friends or pick up a new skill (learn French or start painting). Whatever you choose to do; keep yourself occupied and distracted! You do not want time to dwell on this situation and distance is the best healer of this.
5. Date – The easiest way to move on — and this goes for any situation, not just unrequited love — is to fall for someone else. Obviously don’t start dating while you’re completely in love with someone but once you’ve followed the first 4 steps your feelings should be subsiding and you can start to contemplate dating other people. Even just being out lots will enable you to meet a host of new people and spend less time thinking about your previous love.
8. Flirt & the Fear of Commitment
Sometimes when our heart is really broken and we need a few years to recover, we start on the road to a new romance way too fast. That is fine for some but the issues from one relationship can eventually arise again at some point in the new rebound relationship. Continual flirting is an obsessive need for attention and when we are young, this isn’t an issue, just like drinking every other weekend isn’t an issue until time catches up with us.
When we enter our 30s until we are 60s, we can begin to see signs of the fear of commitment, lack of self respect and codependency that float on the edges of flirting. Its not innocent nor is it healthy if you want a real committed relationship.
Flirting is fun when young, but it can hurt family members and children as we near forty, because we are not young anymore, we have evolved even if we haven’t see time go by. There is a big movement in the world that maturity is a dirty word and what that means is we are not accountable for our self as an adult and prefer to stay in the baby stages of youth (under 30) most of our life.
We flirt and fool around with more than one man or woman because staying with just one person and this scenario has the power to hurt us, to reveal too much, to make us vulnerable to more pain. Flirting is more intense when connected with alcohol use, but we do have an option with our unconscious repressions expressed when we are ready.
9. Freedom verses Control
Control issues are within everyone’s existence, we need it to survive, but some of us are control freaks and it eventually makes our life miserable. We start out begin capable, and then control slowly develops and then we are a monster and cannot change even the simplest things in our life that are harmful and bad for us. Justification then sets in and that is when perception is destroyed.
The mind is a powerful tool and yet at the same time one of our worst and darkest enemies. In the areas of love, we can be text monsters when we can help ourselves by setting the phone down or deleting a text that we know continues drama. We have become so used to pain in our life that we both crave it and that we get high on it.
People do not start a healing journey of change because by the time they do, they are already in the middle of the accumulated crisis. Just know that this is the only place we truly start real changes, when we are so sick, we do not have a choice. That is normal and any good healer will tell you this. So to flex your freedom and emotional freedom, you have to address and begin to approach the big monster called control issues. One step and one day at a time.
Abandonment issues are huge if its our archetype (life path for growth) and if its not, we all experience it once or twice in our life. The major players of relationship karmic aspects are JAAAABR: Jealousy, Anger, Addiction, Abandonment, Apathy, Bullying and Rejection. These are some of the biggies when we try to approach healing our relationship problems. Sometimes we abandon others before they abandon us in order to prevent any more heart wrenching pain.
A lot of narcissists have deeply rooted past life abandonment issues that they bring into this lifetime and project that its only caused by others. These are more sever of course, because every single relationship ends up destroyed. Fear of intimacy of being found out one is not as powerful, or authentic, or lovable are other issues involved around abandonment.
These are more severe issues, just like addiction and they will and can destroy even the best relationships that have a great chance to make it through. Many people start their walk of abandonment in early childhood which leads to co-dependency to unhealthy relationships. For those who experience abandoning others or being abandoned without childhood abandonment emotionally or physically, should know its karma and a past life must be healed for the issue to be resolved and healed eventually. Talk therapy is a good place to start, or anger management.
Susan Anderson says:
1. Self validation – Acknowledge the severity of the emotional wound you have sustained. You can wear out our friends’ ears going over the details of your abandonment, but they cannot possibly grasp the depth of the pain or its persistence. Become your own validator.
2. Heal thyself – And tend to your own wound: Take 100-percent responsibility for your own recovery. And seek support in doing so.
3. Pain management means time management – Build in daily activities that are life-sustaining, including time with supportive friends, therapists, and support groups. Create quality creature comforts. Work provides well-needed structure. Throw yourself into work to enjoy its ‘occupational therapy’ benefits.
4. Get into the moment and stay there as long as possible – The future has been disrupted by the breakup, and your past is where your love attachment pulls so painfully. The only safe place is the split second of now. When your painful thoughts intrude, return to the moment, favoring now as you would a mantra.
5. Put your suffering first to constructive use – Learn first that pain is a part of real growth, and then transform pain (once you have worked with it for awhile) into growth. The program guides you step by step through f stages of abandonment and recovery.
6. Cleanse old wounds – Abandonment has opened you up to old wounds that hearken back to your lost childhood. You didn’t choose to have open heart surgery without anesthesia, but now that abandonment has ripped you to the core, use the hands-on exercises to resolve long neglected core needs and feelings.
7. Acknowledge your strength as a human being – All our lives we try to ward off being abandoned — a human being’s greatest fear — and now the worst has happened. Yet we live. We survive. We can go on. We have tools.
8. Emotional self-reliance – At no other time are you better positioned to become emotionally self-possessed than when abandonment has pulled the rug out from under you. Use the tools to ground yourself. Experience the sublime power of standing on your own two feet.
9. Feelings are not facts – Feelings are temporary and fleeting from the center of self, observe your feelings, acknowledge them, nurture them, and just feel them washing over you, good or bad… then find serenity in the after math through meditation practices.
10. Challenge despair – Hopelessness is yet another feeling, not a reality. Hopelessness is what makes abandonment feel so terrifying and torturous. Challenge your always and never thinking, reminding yourself: This too shall pass. The power is within you to turn this experience into an opportunity for profound positive personal growth. Vow to benefit from abandonment rather than be diminished by it. The abandonment recovery program helps you find greater life and love than before.
This is another simple healing and resolve and it requires practice, practice, practice. Once you throw Hope into the trash, you can begin the journey of change. Hope is a trap that keeps us hoping instead of doing. So next time you find yourself hoping for something, anything, stop yourself and say, no, action and healing is what i need and I am empowered enough to heal myself and this situation I am in. For the acts of nature or acts of god, then this is out of your hands and enters the level of control issues.
When it comes to love and marriage, its not magic, its fate. Fate requires Patience and if you do not have patience, then a craft, an art, or dance or music, or anything that keeps you busy when the great mystery connects you with your real soul love.
And Lucky 13…
You are all you get this lifetime, so cherish it and heal it and overcome your issues so you can grow each decade. Practice honoring your body, your emotional body and train that mind to be quiet and listen.